I wrote the following comment in response to a post I very much disagreed with titled “Why Are You Single? Perhaps It’s The Choice Effect”. It basically tells you how to choose the person you want to be in a relationship with and takes love out of the equation. It was a guest post on one of my very favorite author’s blog Tim Ferriss by: Claire Williams.
I wrote it on June 13th, 2010 at 4:07 am and after posting it in a very ‘rant’ like style I’ve found myself reading it again and again over the past 3 months. What started as a rant ended up being a very personal note to myself. One that I may continue reading for the rest of my life.
WOW. Totally my least favorite article that you’ve ever posted, just plain sad.
Love is one of life’s greatest gifts and true love is one of the MOST amazing feelings a human can experience.
Love is not a business decision or a house or a car or a f’n career. It’s heart and love and soul and yes we ALL have a right to want EVERYTHING, everything that we want. Hopefully those wants are in check to what makes us happy healthy beings creating a happy healthy world.
And NO, you don’t have to make a commitment for life and I don’t believe in marriage … that’s legal paperwork and religious bull shit with a title and a boxed stigmata that more often then not makes people miserable.
We all have different phases in our life and if you tell me now that your exactly the same person you were 5 or 10 years ago then you’re not growing and living the amazing life that’s been given to you.
Maybe you’ll fall in love and you’ll stay on the same wavelength and stay together forever … or maybe in 5 years you’ll both have changed so much that the other looks like a stranger. Either is OK … really it’s totally fine … and maybe you’ll have many loves!
Most of the people we admire most in history had more then one love … and sometimes there is just that one love that’s different then all the rest … still doesn’t mean you want to wake up staring at that person every single day. That’s ok too!
DON’T settle!
DON’T think of it as a choice … when you feel overwhelming love FOLLOW YOUR HEART it will lead down a very happy road … yes I used the word happy. Doesn’t mean you won’t fight or have bad days but I promise you if you follow your heart you’ll never have regrets!
Live everyday of YOUR life.
Ugh, I can’t even believe after all the inspiration on living, breathing, working, traveling outside the box that you’d post how to box your self in – in the most damaging and heart breaking ways of all.
If you follow your heart in life love will eventually find you … be patient and believe.
While I have found myself out of love and out of an 11yr relationship then in-love and married (that’s a whole ‘nother story) and once again out of a relationship since I wrote this note 3 months ago … I can tell you something with certainty. I’m so right!
Seriously, the out of relationship part sucks and hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Why?
Because falling in-love, being in-love even if only for a moment is worth it. It is truly the most amazing feeling to experience. Like standing in a grand and gentle waterfall, a waterfall of life and happiness pouring all around you. Happiness so pure you feel like your flying. The pain will go away but the memory of love’s moment will remain forever.
So, I read this poem just about a month ago via Tim Ferriss’s blog. Honestly at the time I read through it and thought, eh I don’t get it so much not really my cup of tea. I was a little confused considering how it seemed to have such an impact on Tim. Well a month has gone by and emotionally I’ve been through the ringer and experienced a gamut of feelings and breakdowns that are all new to me. I just happened to come across the poem again yesterday and this time it floored me. So, I don’t know whether to be thankful to understand it’s meaning or sad that I now understand. Regardless, I now find it amazing and profound.
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.
The picture above was taken on 6/16/2010 while flying into the Detroit airport where I then spent the night in order to spend an hour with my father who was also flying through on a layover. To say I was in a different state when I took the photo would be the understatement of the century … shit, after the past 3 months I don’t even feel like the same person.
The strongest line for me in the poem is “feel the future dissolve in a moment”. I swear I recently thought I knew a part of my future and it looked just like a dream. Then in a moment it was gone. Just like that, there’s no way that specific vision will come true now. At this moment try as hard as I might I’m sad, even if it was just a dream in my head that was never going to come true. Maybe loosing my conjured dream is the hardest part of it all.
To add irony to it all a few months ago I came across an amazing quote by Dr. Seuss that says, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened” … well, in the midst of hysterical breakdown a few days ago that was quoted back to me. I know eventually I will but at this time that seems very far in the distance. At this time, for the first time ever being in public doesn’t even stop me from crying. Totally not fun … but probably the most humbling experience I’ve ever had.
To be in such a place and experience kindness I truly view it in a different way now. For the kindness, warmth and love I received over the past few days from family, from old friends, from brand new friends, from acquaintances and from strangers … I am grateful.
(December 10, 1965 – September 29, 2010) was an American stand-up comedian, television personality, insult comic and former lawyer.
This is too sad. Greg Giraldo has been one of my favorite comedians since I was first introduced to him via Tough Crowd with Collin Quinn in 2004. A freakin hilarious show that was cancelled way to soon. I remember the first time I saw the show and him on it because my reaction was “who is this person, he’s a fuckin genious, why have I never heard of him before, what else does he do, when is he on next?!”. I loved the whole show but looked forward to Greg G.
See, I’m not really a … how you say … laugher. Unless someone falls and then I roll uncontrollably. I smile, grin … that sort of thing … but not so much laugh. There are few comedians that have ever honestly made me crack up and laugh out loud … so few, and they make such a strong impression on me that here goes … George Carlin (started at age 11for me), Greg Giraldo (I was 23), Dane Cook stand-up (that car door joke a few years ago), Kat Williams stand-up (the motorcycle story, almost doesn’t count cause it’s about a fall last year) and Tucker Max (who is brilliantly just wrong ). I’m incredibly thankful and grateful for the few who can make me laugh.
The Huffington Post has put up a great collection of his videos here Celebrate his life by watching and brightening up your day with some humor … cause we all need it!
But if you ever come across the Tough Crowd with Collin Quinn (his pre-divorce) stuff … it’s really great.
so, in closing I’ll write a little note to myself that most likely applies to you as well:
… live your fucking life, live honestly and live a good one cause you’ve just got this one and you are not guaranteed tomorrow. No excuses, no it’s to hard, to painful, to difficult … get off your ass and go live the life you want. No procrastinating or delaying the inevitable … follow your heart and go before it’s too late.
Yes, that is me rediculously happy above! It just so happened to be taken during one of the hardest months I have ever experienced in my entire life.
But I’m smiling BIG … why? How?
Cause I’m laying on one of my photographs turned into a 7ft wall print and I LOVE IT! I’ve loved photography since I was a little girl and actively enjoyed it as a hobby for many years before turning it into my business about a year and a half ago.
The photo I’m laying on I took with my first Nikon slr film camera almost 10 years ago while hiking in Red Rock outside of Las Vegas. During that time most of my spare change went towards developing countless rolls of film where I’d jump for joy if they were in focus. Pre-digital was a semi heartbreaking experience, I’d get 5 rolls of film back and maybe like 5 photos. But those photos that I liked are still some of my absolute favorites! There’s a feeling in them that my digital camera has not been able to reproduce. A Nikon digital slr of course that I very much love. So, getting a good 4×6 print back used to rock my world … seeing my photos developed into 7ft prints … well, that makes me do a cartwheel and cry at the same time. I can’t even put into words the joy it gives me.
It’s been about 4 years now since I left corporate America and Executive Admin jobs and traded in for the wondering vagabond turned ‘starving artist’ phase of my life. I’ve now sold more prints in the past 3 months then I have in the last year and a half, so … YEAH! Maybe ‘ultra successful artist’ is around the corner! Here’s the thing though, even if success never comes I’ll never stop pursuing my dream. I can’t. I love capturing moments with my camera and sharing those moments the way I see and feel them. I wish more then anything for my photography and wall prints to at the very least pay the bills, but whether the money comes or not the happiness sure as hell does! Following your dreams, doing what you love … it’s worth it! It’s worth every struggle and every penny!
Although there might not be very many pennies in the bank account at the moment I’m happy. I look at pictures of myself 4 years ago and barely recognize the person in them. But that person above laying on a 7ft photograph rolled out on the floor … I totally know her! I like her. She’s staying.
If there was ever a video performance worth buying of an artist this is it! I watched this concert from the artist den on pbs and danced around my entire house for the ENTIRE thing. Raphael Sadiiq has this genuine infectious groove that I fuckin LOVE! The performance didn’t quit and just got better through the show … which you’ll see if you watch the 3 videos below. By the end of the show I was worn out too and exhilirated and felt like I was there. He has an off the hook style from the heart that just makes you want to take a bite out of life. So, watch it! Watch it with good speakers! Watch it full screen! Watch it and DANCE! Then since it won’t be enough buy the dvd here for $16.98 then go and check out his site and see if he’s touring near you cause OMG you want to go to that show!
Here’s a blip from the New Orleans VOODOO Experience – festival (10/29-31, 2010) that sums it up far better then I! Oh and he’ll be there … and so might I!
He is a standard bearer for what folks call ‘old school’ music, a contemporary artist continuing a time-honored tradition that goes back to the ’60s and ’70s. From his early days as a member of the groundbreaking ’80s group Tony! Toni! Tone! through his work as an award-winning producer of such artists as Joss Stone, The Roots, Snoop Dogg, John Legend among many others and his own solo albums, the multi-talented Raphael Saadiq has kept the faith. “Every record I’ve ever made has had those influences…The Temptations, Al Green, The Four Tops and so on,” Raphael explains from the L.A. studio where he recorded his latest illustrious work. This album is the culmination of a lifetime of experiences informed by the music I grew up on.” Listening to his newest release, 3-time Grammy-nominated The Way I See It, it’s immediately obvious that it could have been recorded thirty years ago. Musically cohesive in the same way that soul music albums were recorded back in the day, Raphael’s third solo album and first for Sony BMG is not merely a throwback: it is as close to the kind of record made in Detroit, Chicago, Memphis, Miami or New York by any number of super R&B hit makers to anything recorded since. While other contemporary artists may attempt to emulate the sound and flavor of ’70s soul music, Raphael Saadiq brings real emotion, real feeling and production values that are simply (to borrow a popular phrase from said decade), right on.
Finally! After months filled with what seems nothing but feelings … a thought. A refreshing thought not attached to any person but myself. A thought to occupy, question and tickle my spirit.
While relaxing in my hot tub … at my new abode … by myself … staring up from the mountains into a space filled with stars.
Would I go to space if I could?
Well, would you? Because when you’re in a pane and look down, people, cars, buildings, land … they all get much smaller. This aerial view gives you a perspective. What if you could look down from space and view the entire world as something small, as a single object?
Say money was no object and you could get a seat on a chartered spaceship next month … knowing that there are obvious risks. Let’s say also you alone. No one else you know can go. Just you, your life, your experience, your perspective … would you go?
Now, lets make it more interesting for spaceship scardy cats like myself.
What if there was a path/ trail you could safely walk to get into space? A long path … one that took ten years to complete. A safe path though, one with clinics and food supply along the way. But, a path that you would have to walk for 10hrs everyday for 10 years. Would you go?
Most likely if you made it, even if you started out with a large group you’d probably be alone when you made it. You’d have to leave your entire life behind for 10 years with no guarantee of return. All for the chance at a brief moment in space looking down at earth. Would you make that journey?
Would I walk to space if I could?
Really, when’s the last time you just looked up at the stars and let yourself be blown away by the awesomeness of space, stars, earth, life! I highly recommend the viewing from a hot tub on top of a mountain!
After 6 months of my mountain road home being torn up from winter it’s finally getting fixed. Just so happens to be the same week that I’m moving out, that’s nice. I couldn’t help but smile when after waiting for 10 minutes at the stop a ‘pilot car’ came to guide me up the mountain around the potholes and newly torn up road to my house. I got a nice chuckle to myself, thought … jeez wouldn’t it be nice if every time there was rough road ahead you had a pilot car to look out and guide you through the best route. Cause, yah know … even when shits tore up on all sides there’s ways to find a somewhat smooth path.
So, ever have something on your to-do list for an annoying lengthy amount of time? Well, writing this post has been on my to-do list for 8 MONTHS! I’m not even sure if you can call it procrastination … I think it actually took me that long to process and be ok with the feelings of the experience.
While I was away working on the Orchard this previous fall I had carbon monoxide poisoning. THE END. no, j/k … but before I start at the beginning let me preface it by saying I’m grateful for the experience, strength and insight into my own life that has come from it. It’s long though and mainly for my own memory. If you take the time to read it I’ll apologize in advance for some of the rambling … you see I wrote the below 8 months ago somewhat manically and was probably still a little oxygen deprived.
………………………………….
I’ve had a couple of near death experiences, but this one was different.
The first was hypothermia when I was only 5, of which I only remember about 1 minute before it started and an argument that ensued between my parents after the ordeal was over.
The second happened in July about 3years ago – I went into aniphylatic shock while tubing down a river in Nebraska. Middle of no-where Nebraska to be exact. Although I had never experienced a severe allergic reaction before I knew exactly what was happening within minutes. It started with a couple of hives on my arms , then my face, then I felt my lips and tounge begin to feel swollen RED LIGHT! I immediately and calmly asked my brothers wife Theresa to ask my brother Bobby if he had any Benadryl or possibly an epi-pen. We were floating on tubes far down river from anything we had seen, and far from anything we thought we might see. Quickly and what felt like magically a Camp appeared on the bank of the river, we pulled the tubes over and with much assistance I was helped up the river bank . By this point my feet were both in serious pain and almost numb as my body was shutting down circulation to my limbs. The magic camp also magically had 2 benadryl to save my life! … a van picked me up for a 15 minute drive to a road where we were met by an ambulance that then took me 45 minutes to the closest hospital. Almost immediately after entering the ambulance a deep calm came over me as I felt like a a by-stander to my body. Nothing I could do, I was in their hands now … it was like watching a movie you’ve seen a hundred times and know everything that happens next. The day after I remember feeling very depressed with all those big questions you try not to ask yourself on a daily basis – what am I doing here? / What am I doing with my life? / Am I nuts? I mean really what am I doing on a river in Nebraska anyways?! / What am I suppose to do with my life?
The weeks after we’ll call the ‘Yes man’ complex where I felt the need to live everyday as much as possible for myself, caring less about tomorrow and being very present in every moment. This is exhilirating and fun and lead to a pretty big shift in how I live my life.
What makes this time different is the fact that I didn’t realize I was almost dead til about 12 hours after I woke up. To be dieing is one thing, to have almost died without knowing … well, that just flips your world upside down. So, the basics of what felt like the longest week of my life – Timeline:
Sunday – the weather turned cold, I closed windows to the apartment and turned on the heat. I then proceeded to sleep for 16hrs
Monday – after sleeping for a very long time I was still tired and worn out. I went to the Kings of Leon / White Lies Concert which was amazing despite my lackluster mind set. Slept around 14 hours.
Tuesday – Tired, I just want to sleep. I can’t get anything done at work. Feeling easily irritated and crabby. I went back to downtown Minneapolis to see a friends band perform, I felt extremely un-social with no energy and left mid show without even saying goodbye.
Wednesday – I’m snapping at people at work, I can’t smile, I’m exhausted, I think I must be getting sick … I start taking vitamins and apple cider vinegar. My eyes are so fuzzy, I can’t focus them, I can’t focus my attention on anything, I don’t care about anything or anyone. Huge HEADACHE and I sleep 16hrs
Thursday – Vitamins, Apple Cider Vinegar, really think I’m sick … not the flu like everyone else. Maybe I’m depressed maybe I don’t love the Orchard or my friends anymore … maybe I’m not where I’m suppose to be in my life … why don’t I like anything. My friends are telling me I don’t look like myself, everyone keeps asking me what’s wrong … I DON’T know … I explain as ‘I just don’t feel good’. My eyes sooo fuzzy now and this headache ahhh. I go over to Betsy’s warm family house in the afternoon, I just needed some love, to go through a week like this by yourself is just dark and lonely. I crashed on her couch and then we all ate soup for dinner and Rachel made cupcakes! The weather has been horrible so I tell Betsy she can leave early tomorrow and I’ll go in and cover the barn early. She says great and made immediate plans for some stuff she needed to do. I go to bed super early 7pm, think I can just sleep it off
FRIDAY – Feeling relaxed in bed like I’ve never felt before. So relaxed, so comfortable, like I had the ability to fall back to sleep a nano second after hitting my alarm. It felt great almost amazing … a peaceful heavy sleep. I DID NOT want to wake up, but Betsy had plans and I promised I would go into work early. I keep hitting snooze … and each time, I have to get up, I promised Betsy! I literally roll out of bed and do a zombie march to get dressed. I notice the furnace has stopped working, air is blowing out but no heat so I turn it off. I showed up to the barn about 15 minutes late … considering I’m only a 5 minute walk away I felt kind of bad. So, we call a heating guy and he shows up around 5pm, my initial reaction when he told me about the huge carbon leak from the completely broken furnace was pure exhilierating joy for hours. After such a long week of having no clue why I was feeling, thinking, saying, looking, and acting the way I was, to know there was a reason and I wasn’t loosing it’ was fantastic! It wasn’t til I left work 6hrs later and returned to the apartment that the thought hit me with a flash of panic … ‘ Oh shit I was huffing this stuff for almost a full week, did I mention my bed was right next to the furnace … oopsy daisy… I should call my mom (she’s a nurse and yoga teacher) and see if I need to do anything special. By special I was hoping for Yoga & drink lots of water. Maybe blood cleansing vitamins.
She had just finished teaching a yoga class and one of her students was a nurse practioner at the house. The verdict was in quickly “ER, NOW Kiesha!”. But nothing to worry about, easy breezy ER. Blood test and maybe Hypo Chamber to detach the carbon from your hemoglobin or something along those lines. After all the most important part was already accomplished no more carbon monoxide. I almost felt silly when I got to the ER, I mean I had no severe pain, nothing broken or bleeding, no sneezing or coughing, just an oops I’ve been huffing fumes and my mom told me to come. I was fully prepared to wait for hours to get in … nope, less then 5 minutes … ok. But now it will be hours before I see a doctor or anyone… nope 5 minutes!
Nurse came and did blood pressure, temperature, tell me what’s wrong, put on a gown. WHAT?! put on a gown, really … I just didn’t think it was gonna have to go that far. Ok, fine I’ll put on the gown but I’m leaving my pants on / ony half gown, so take that. There’s something about putting on the gown that sends those ‘oh shit your really in a hospital and this is no fun at all; vibes throughout your entire being. Then my head try’s to tell my nervous, anxious and scared body to stay calm and everything is fine. The gown also starts really sinking in the scary facts quickly…
‘… like this morning was the hardest morning to wake up. And what if I had not have had to be to work when I did? The way I was feeling I wouldn’t have gotten out of bed unless I had too. If I didn’t have to be to work when I did, I would have kept sleeping, I wouldn’t have answered my phone, I’m alone in the apartment and no one would have come to check on me. I would have died. ‘ Here come the tears and on que the doctor walks in, after a quick explanation I’m immediately put on an oxygen re-breather before I can finish my next sentence. I remember very little of what was said …. Really only two things … ‘You’re lucky to be alive’ and ‘ we have to get some blood. It hurts a little you’ll feel a little pinch in your wrist”
The lady who is going to ‘pinch’ my wrist arrives. She immediately says she’s ‘sorry’ she has to do this (Areterial Blood Gas) before she even begins. I’m thinking eh it’s ok, it’s just blood draw from a different place, it doesn’t hurt that bad. Besides I’m alive and pain just means I’m alive and that’s way better then the alternative. She begins digging the needle deep into my wrist. Now I’m thinking, well … shit that really does hurt … OWE … really hurting, but it’s ok cause I’m alive! In walks another lady she seems nice, I’m really close to reaching out my left arm to see if she will hold my hand because FUCK this hurts and she’s been digging in my wrist for a while. She keeps telling me I’m doing fantastic in –between a few involuntary moans – ok it’s over. But crap my entire wrist and hand throb with pain (note: this aching pain renders your hand useless for just about everything for the next 24 hours) Now the other nice lady in the room says I’m sorry but I have to get the normal blood test out of the other arm now/ REALLY, your not kidding my whole body is tense and almost shaking from the ABG now I have to hold out my other arm … K this is officially sucking way more then I thought it would. But after intense pain the normal blood draw felt like less then a paper cut. 30 minutes go by normal blood lady is back to take more blood to see where my carbon levels are at. ABG & Normal Nurse both tell me “Your lucky to be alive” So, anyways 5 hours by myself in the ER and oxygen is good and I can go back to the apartment.
Saturday- THE AFTER LIFE I did go back to the apartment but only to pack up my clothes and go stay @ Phyllis and Lowells around 4:30am. Note it is VERY very VERY hard to fall asleep when you almost didn’t wake up. 8 months later I think I’m still having issues with this.
Later in the day when I woke up I felt very strange and very detached and very serious and almost in denial. Was I really in the ER last night? Did all this shit really happen? I found myself putting on a fake smile to talk to people, I felt like I was on an emotional tight rope. I didn’t want any conversations too serious, I didn’t really want tot talk at all … except Saturday’s there’s a lot of staff at the Orchard and everyone heard and everyone asked me about it. I found myself only able to tolerate it for 30-60min at a time then I would retreat to the house. We weren’t busy and I felt incapable of doing anything or talking to anyone. Later on in the afternoon I made myself some green tea and went into the house and sat on the couch … Retreating to the house I would just sit on the couch completely still and completely silent for an hour or more. Frozen, couldn’t think, couldn’t talk, couldn’t move, couldn’t feel just still like everything was happening around me and I was on pause. The frozen stillness, I’m pretty sure I’ve never felt so alone in life. Yet so still, like a shock induced meditative trance. I do yoga, I’ve read and tried to practice a ‘still’ mind … I now know what that is and feels like. By alone it wasn’t a sad alone more of a definite realization that this is my life … only my life … no one elses life. Yes, there are family and friends and loved ones but I’m responsible for living my own life, following my own heart and listening to my own voice. I almost didn’t have today so I best be sure I’m doing what I want to do today.
While sitting there I checked my email on my phone and had sold one of my 6ft Wall Photos! That made me me smile and then immediately made me start sobbing hysterically. What the fuck .. couldn’t stop I sat there and cried for almost 2 hours holding my warm tea and sipping on it occasionally in the pauses of sobbing. You know when you think you’re done, dry your eyes take a deep breath and then completely loose your shit again. So, about 36 hours after waking up from my deep carbon sleep and 24hrs after finding out about the carbon that email and 1 moment of joy knocked me right off the emotional tight rope into a hysterical “I almost wasn’t here today’ free fall. Then it was over, then I was able to take deep breaths and return to the life moving around me. Accept I felt like I was entering it as a whole new me.
Sunday was amazing, the fog had lifted off my brain and I could think again and my body didn’t feel completely wiped and exhausted and I felt strong and alive again. I’m not sure I even knew just how horrible I was feeling til I felt what it was like to feel a thousand times better. A good sign of oxygen is joking … I told my friends that I had been telling I was sick for the week … DUDE, I wasn’t sick I was almost dead!
……………
so, why the 8 months? I don’t know … I kind of think choosing to live your life and getting on the right path can take some time. Just because you make a decision doesn’t mean the stars are going to magically line up overnight. You can’t even break all your bad habits overnight. It takes time to re-evaluate every molecule of your life and your being. I think there’s even a fair amount of miserable and trying to make sense of it all that’s worked into the time. To some extent it’s re-entry as an almost new being … and working soooooo hard to make sure forward is the motion because it can be so easy to fall back into comfortable motionless habits.
that I very much love. So, getting a good 4×6 print back used to rock my world … seeing my photos developed into 7ft prints … well, that makes me do a cartwheel and cry at the same time. I can’t even put into words the joy it gives me.
