So, ever have something on your to-do list for an annoying lengthy amount of time? Well, writing this post has been on my to-do list for 8 MONTHS! I’m not even sure if you can call it procrastination … I think it actually took me that long to process and be ok with the feelings of the experience.
While I was away working on the Orchard this previous fall I had carbon monoxide poisoning. THE END. no, j/k … but before I start at the beginning let me preface it by saying I’m grateful for the experience, strength and insight into my own life that has come from it. It’s long though and mainly for my own memory. If you take the time to read it I’ll apologize in advance for some of the rambling … you see I wrote the below 8 months ago somewhat manically and was probably still a little oxygen deprived. 
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I’ve had a couple of near death experiences, but this one was different.
The first when I was hypothermia when I was only 5, of which I only remember about 1 minute before it started and an argument that ensued between my parents after the ordeal was over.
The second happened in July about 3years ago – I went into aniphylatic shock while tubing down a river in Nebraska. Middle of no-where Nebraska to be exact. Although I had never experienced a severe allergic reaction before I knew exactly what was happening within minutes. It started with a couple of hives on my arms , then my face, then I felt my lips and tounge begin to feel swollen RED LIGHT! I immediately and calmly asked my brothers wife Theresa to ask my brother Bobby if he had any Benadryl or possibly an epi-pen. We were floating on tubes far down river from anything we had seen, and far from anything we thought we might see. Quickly and what felt like magically a Camp appeared on the bank of the river, we pulled the tubes over and with much assistance I was helped up the river bank . By this point my feet were both in serious pain and almost numb as my body was shutting down circulation to my limbs. The magic camp also magically had 2 benadryl to save my life! … a van picked me up for a 15 minute drive to a road where we were met by an ambulance that then took me 45 minutes to the closest hospital. Almost immediately after entering the ambulance a deep calm came over me as I felt like a a by-stander to my body. Nothing I could do, I was in there hands now … it was like watching a movie you’ve seen a hundred times and know everything that happens next. The day after I remember feeling very depressed with all those big questions you try not to ask yourself on a daily basis – what am I doing here? / What am I doing with my life? / Am I nuts? I mean really what am I doing on a river in Nebraska anyways?! / What am I suppose to do with my life?
The weeks after we’ll call the ‘Yes man’ complex where I felt the need to live everyday as much as possible for myself, caring less about tomorrow and being very present in every moment. This is exhilirating and fun and lead to a pretty big shift in how I live my life.
What makes this time different is the fact that I didn’t realize I was almost dead til about 12 hours after I woke up. To be dieing is one thing, to have almost died without knowing … well, that just flips your world upside down. So, the basics of what felt like the longest week of my life – Timeline:
Sunday – the weather turned cold, I closed windows to the apartment and turned on the heat. I then proceeded to sleep for 16hrs
Monday – after sleeping for a very long time I was still tired and worn out. I went to the Kings of Leon / White Lies Concert which was amazing despite my lackluster mind set. Slept around 14 hours.
Tuesday – Tired, I just want to sleep. I can’t get anything done at work. Feeling easily irritated and crabby. I went back to downtown Minneapolis to see a friends band perform, I felt extremely un-social with no energy and left mid show without even saying goodbye.
Wednesday – I’m snapping at people at work, I can’t smile, I’m exhausted, I think I must be getting sick … I start taking vitamins and apple cider vinegar. My eyes are so fuzzy, I can’t focus them, I can’t focus my attention on anything, I don’t care about anything or anyone. Huge HEADACHE and I sleep 16hrs
Thursday – Vitamins, Apple Cider Vinegar, really think I’m sick … not the flu like everyone else. Maybe I’m depressed maybe I don’t love the Orchard or my friends anymore … maybe I’m not where I’m suppose to be in my life … why don’t I like anything. My friends are telling me I don’t look like myself, everyone keeps asking me what’s wrong … I DON’T know … I explain as ‘I just don’t feel good’. My eyes sooo fuzzy now and this headache ahhh. I go over to Betsy’s warm family house in the afternoon, I just needed some love, to go through a week like this by yourself is just dark and lonely. I crashed on her couch and then we all ate soup for dinner and Rachel made cupcakes! The weather has been horrible so I tell Betsy she can leave early tomorrow and I’ll go in and cover the barn early. She says great and made immediate plans for some stuff she needed to do. I go to bed super early 7pm, think I can just sleep it off
FRIDAY – Feeling relaxed in bed like I’ve never felt before. So relaxed, so comfortable, like I had the ability to fall back to sleep a nano second after hitting my alarm. It felt great almost amazing … a peaceful heavy sleep. I DID NOT want to wake up, but Betsy had plans and I promised I would go into work early. I keep hitting snooze … and each time, I have to get up, I promised Betsy! I literally roll out of bed and do a zombie march to get dressed. I notice the furnace has stopped working, air is blowing out but no heat so I turn it off. I showed up to the barn about 15 minutes late … considering I’m only a 5 minute walk away I felt kind of bad. So, we call a heating guy and he shows up around 5pm, my initial reaction when he told me about the huge carbon leak from the completely broken furnace was pure exhilierating joy for hours. After such a long week of having no clue why I was feeling, thinking, saying, looking, and acting the way I was, to know there was a reason and I wasn’t loosing it’ was fantastic! It wasn’t til I left work 6hrs later and returned to the apartment that the thought hit me with a flash of panic … ‘ Oh shit I was huffing this stuff for almost a full week, did I mention my bed was right next to the furnace … oopsy daisy… I should call my mom (she’s a nurse and yoga teacher) and see if I need to do anything special. By special I was hoping for Yoga & drink lots of water. Maybe blood cleansing vitamins.
She had just finished teaching a yoga class and one of her students was a nurse practioner at the house. The verdict was in quickly “ER, NOW Kiesha!”. But nothing to worry about, easy breezy ER. Blood test and maybe Hypo Chamber to detach the carbon from your hemoglobin or something along those lines. After all the most important part was already accomplished no more carbon monoxide. I almost felt silly when I got to the ER, I mean I had no severe pain, nothing broken or bleeding, no sneezing or coughing, just an oops I’ve been huffing fumes and my mom told me to come. I was fully prepared to wait for hours to get in … nope, less then 5 minutes … ok. But now it will be hours before I see a doctor or anyone… nope 5 minutes!
Nurse came and did blood pressure, temperature, tell me what’s wrong, put on a gown. WHAT?! put on a gown, really … I just didn’t think it was gonna have to go that far. Ok, fine I’ll put on the gown but I’m leaving my pants on / ony half gown, so take that. There’s something about putting on the gown that sends those ‘oh shit your really in a hospital and this is no fun at all; vibes throughout your entire being. Then my head try’s to tell my nervous, anxious and scared body to stay calm and everything is fine. The gown also starts really sinking in the scary facts quickly…
‘… like this morning was the hardest morning to wake up. And what if I had not have had to be to work when I did? The way I was feeling I wouldn’t have gotten out of bed unless I had too. If I didn’t have to be to work when I did, I would have kept sleeping, I wouldn’t have answered my phone, I’m alone in the apartment and no one would have come to check on me. I would have died. ‘ Here come the tears and on que the doctor walks in, after a quick explanation I’m immediately put on an oxygen re-breather before I can finish my next sentence. I remember very little of what was said …. Really only two things … ‘You’re lucky to be alive’ and ‘ we have to get some blood. It hurts a little you’ll feel a little pinch in your wrist”
The lady who is going to ‘pinch’ my wrist arrives. She immediately says she’s ‘sorry’ she has to do this (Areterial Blood Gas) before she even begins. I’m thinking eh it’s ok, it’s just blood draw from a different place, it doesn’t hurt that bad. Besides I’m alive and pain just means I’m alive and that’s way better then the alternative. She begins digging the needle deep into my wrist. Now I’m thinking, well … shit that really does hurt … OWE … really hurting, but it’s ok cause I’m alive! In walks another lady she seems nice, I’m really close to reaching out my left arm to see if she will hold my hand because FUCK this hurts and she’s been digging in my wrist for a while. She keeps telling me I’m doing fantastic in –between a few involuntary moans – ok it’s over. But crap my entire wrist and hand throb with pain (note: this aching pain renders your hand useless for just about everything for the next 24 hours) Now the other nice lady in the room says I’m sorry but I have to get the normal blood test out of the other arm now/ REALLY, your not kidding my whole body is tense and almost shaking from the ABG now I have to hold out my other arm … K this is officially sucking way more then I thought it would. But after intense pain the normal blood draw felt like less then a paper cut. 30 minutes go by normal blood lady is back to take more blood to see where my carbon levels are at. ABG & Normal Nurse both tell me “Your lucky to be alive” So, anyways 5 hours by myself in the ER and oxygen is good and I can go back to the apartment.
Saturday- THE AFTER LIFE I did go back to the apartment but only to pack up my clothes and go stay @ Phyllis and Lowells around 4:30am. Note it is VERY very VERY hard to fall asleep when you almost didn’t wake up. 8 months later I think I’m still having issues with this.
Later in the day when I woke up I felt very strange and very detached and very serious and almost in denial. Was I really in the ER last night? Did all this shit really happen? I found myself putting on a fake smile to talk to people, I felt like I was on an emotional tight rope. I didn’t want any conversations too serious, I didn’t really want tot talk at all … except Saturday’s there’s a lot of staff at the Orchard and everyone heard and everyone asked me about it. I found myself only able to tolerate it for 30-60min at a time then I would retreat to the house. We weren’t busy and I felt incapable of doing anything or talking to anyone. Later on in the afternoon I made myself some green tea and went into the house and sat on the couch … Retreating to the house I would just sit on the couch completely still and completely silent for an hour or more. Frozen, couldn’t think, couldn’t talk, couldn’t move, couldn’t feel just still like everything was happening around me and I was on pause. The frozen stillness, I’m pretty sure I’ve never felt so alone in life. Yet so still, like a shock induced meditative trance. I do yoga, I’ve read and tried to practice a ‘still’ mind … I now know what that is and feels like. By alone it wasn’t a sad alone more of a definite realization that this is my life … only my life … no one elses life. Yes, there are family and friends and loved ones but I’m responsible for living my own life, following my own heart and listening to my own voice. I almost didn’t have today so I best be sure I’m doing what I want to do today.
While sitting there I checked my email on my phone and had sold one of my 6ft Wall Photos! That made me me smile and then immediately made me start sobbing hysterically. What the fuck .. couldn’t stop I sat there and cried for almost 2 hours holding my warm tea and sipping on it occasionally in the pauses of sobbing. You know when you think you’re done, dry your eyes take a deep breath and then completely loose your shit again. So, about 36 hours after waking up from my deep carbon sleep and 24hrs after finding out about the carbon that email and 1 moment of joy knocked me right off the emotional tight rope into a hysterical “I almost wasn’t here today’ free fall. Then it was over, then I was able to take deep breaths and return to the life moving around me. Accept I felt like I was entering it as a whole new me.
Sunday was amazing, the fog had lifted off my brain and I could think again and my body didn’t feel completely wiped and exhausted and I felt strong and alive again. I’m not sure I even knew just how horrible I was feeling til I felt what it was like to feel a thousand times better. A good sign of oxygen is joking … I told my friends that I had been telling I was sick for the week … DUDE, I wasn’t sick I was almost dead!
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so, why the 8 months? I don’t know … I kind of think choosing to live your life and getting on the right path can take some time. Just because you make a decision doesn’t mean the stars are going to magically line up overnight. You can’t even break all your bad habits overnight. It takes time to re-evaluate every molecule of your life and your being. I think there’s even a fair amount of miserable and trying to make sense of it all that’s worked into the time. To some extent it’s re-entry as an almost new being … and working soooooo hard to make sure forward is the motion because it can be so easy to fall back into comfortable motionless habits.
